I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
