I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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