It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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