I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
