if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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