I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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