Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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