I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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