did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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