Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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