my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Still dying that you shit outside
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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