some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
