the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
