I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
