I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
