The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize