I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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