i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
