How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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