I am spending my child support on dildos
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
