Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
