I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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