i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
