i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
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