Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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