i just sent this text using only my big toe
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Sober January is a disaster.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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