I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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