Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Drunk is not a location!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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