Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
