First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
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Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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