I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
