I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So much rum. So many feels.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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