i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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