I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
