And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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