I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
