non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
