I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
