Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
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Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
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Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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