Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
