I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
