Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
