i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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