When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
