Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
