I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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