she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
