weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
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We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
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