I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
soo... how was my night?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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