Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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