apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
we're making bets on your personal life
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
