When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
