I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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