apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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