I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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