Ambien. No doubt about it.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
