Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
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It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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