you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
